WARNING...longish RANT to follow ... I'm very, very, very annoyed, I think..Even though (by God's grace) I'm still logical. (somewhat). I wish life was more logical, less full of crap. But, I am wiser (I hope) and more aware of what appears to be reality (i.e. - the day-to-day happenings). If you are offended by my honesty, I'm sorry and please stop reading now. This is an (kinda) angry and potentially offensive post. Here's my story ...
This past weekend, I've spent the time doing exactly what I've wanted to do. It has refreshed (sort of) me and helped me feel less overwhelmed which is totally new for me. (Let me explain.)
I AM ANNOYED! I HATE THE FACT THAT MEDIOCRITY IS REWARDED! I HATE POLITICS! MOST OF ALL, I HATE THE FACT THAT I WAS CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE.!
Odd to say this, butt I feel so much better lately and I have done no work (almost) in my new/current job.
Previously, I spent the majority of 2007 engrossed and intensely buried in the development of a very important project for my company. It was a project labeled as priority #1 in my organization. In the end I gave it all up. I could not take it any more. I left ... I transferred out. This in not my norm.
I've always given my career all of my available time. Unfortunately this time, all of my work backfired on me and I do not know why. I was not recognized. Instead I was overlooked and abused for my efforts. (This is, of course, my opinion.) I felt like Christ (as shallow as I sound, this is my opinion.) In short, my senior management chose to promote a woman of limited experience (no compound, no disease, no global) and knowledge to become my boss. I was EXTREMELY p*$$ed (I'm sorry for the profanity) and totally screwed. I was really, really, really upset, and today, am still torn. Originally, I wanted to "stick it out" for this project, which I had launched, on my own, with very limited input from senior management. I was overlooked. I was painted black, I believed (and still do) in my project, but wanted it to fail without me. I felt like a hypocrite. I wasn't being real. I faked my desire to promote this project which was formerly mine. I faked my desire to be a team player. I wanted her to FAIL ... big time. Unfortunately for me, I truly (with my whole heart) believed in my work. I really tried to "stick it out" and try to communicate with my management. Ultimately, she won - I left the team and it was hers to manage.
NOW ...
In the end, today, I feel like I've won and this is why.
Oddly, God seemed to be on my side. I changed teams. In the last few weeks, I've (through no design of my own) had time to do whatever I've wanted. I spent time learning about a new disease. I've actually had time for me. WOW! Let me repeat.... WOW! I'm incredible floored by God's goodness. I would have never had this much time for ME had I stayed in the same place. I'm incredibly floored in that my new management seem to be believers. I'm still trying to accept this gift. I'm still trying to not question God's goodness. I could use some help, if you have any suggestions.
Ultimately, I'm shocked, once again, by how well God knows me. Seriously, I'm so surprised by the depths of His Love for me .... lil' ole me. Wow ....
WOW ...
This past weekend, I spent time in Montreal. It wasn't a Christian weekend, not by a long shot. I shopped ... a lot. It was frivolous, you could even say ... stupid, but it was mine. It was time I spent (on mileage points) with my friend. We shopped. We ate. We attended the Jazz Festival. We spent time for us. It was lovely. I feel so much better.
I feel a bit more like myself, whomever that was supposed to be. One thing that this weekend taught me... be myself, no matter the consequences. Accept myself, no matter the consequences.God loves me no matter what the consequence. WOW ....
Please help me to hold true.
(Did I confuse you? If you want the gory details, please ask me outside of xanga. I'm OK with sharing, but I know it's hard to share succinctly over type.)
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